“Not Allowed.”

If cats have nightmares, those are the words that chase Jack through a dark and scary forest where malevolent tree branches snatch at his passing kitten fur: “not allowed, not allowed, NOT ALLOWED.”

But I’m fairly convinced that a conscience is a prerequisite to nightmares.

I’ve lived with cats all my life. I’ve had silly cats, sweet cats, boring cats, and buddy cats.

Jack is my first naughty cat.

Before Jack, I thought that Naughty Cats were the result of a Bad Upbringing. Now I find myself eating those unspoken words of “your cat has not been well-disciplined” (sensitive readers can replace “disciplined” with “taught” or “trained”) and find my mind racing with thoughts of “where did I go wrong?”

I mean what sort of cat lover makes a special trip to Home Depot just so they can have a water-filled spray bottle in every room of the house?

Obviously, I am a terrible person.

One day, after fishing an ash-covered Jack out of the fireplace (again), I was bemoaning my abysmal cat-parenting skills and my husband said “Did you teach Jack to like cantaloupe?”

It’s not as odd a question as it might seem to the casual observer.

It started one day when I was parked in front of the television, a plate of freshly diced cantaloupe at my side, watching a movie. Jack was yammering (more than usual) and repeatedly jumping up on the side table where the cantaloupe sat. After multiple scoldings and several bouts of tossing him off the table (and for the sake of peace during the rest of the movie), I threw a bite of cantaloupe on the floor and grumbled “you don’t want it.”

Jack gobbled it up and screamed for more. I discovered that he would eat cantaloupe for as long as I would feed it to him. Yes, my sweet Jack-Jack, who barely gives a dismissive sniff to pre-packaged cat treats, loves cantaloupe.

And I had nothing to do with it.

I comfort myself with that thought every time I see Jack trying to suss out the best way to catch the ceiling fan.

Shortly after joining our family, Jack took the position that I should never leave the house.

As I work from home, this was an issue less often than you might think.

However, the above picture captures the heart-wrenching scene I faced every time I left the house. What wasn’t heart wrenching was what went on before I managed to get out the door.

Jack wanted me to stay home and Jack is a cat determined (always) to get what he wants.

His initial strategy to keep me in the house was to yell loudly and throw himself in front of the door — a yowling kitten barricade. As Jack is a naturally garrulous fellow, I barely noticed the yelling. And as even the most fiercesome of kitten barricades is still made of, well, a kitten, I would simply step over him and leave.

Recognizing his failure, Jack took a more forceful approach. Any time I would even approach the door, Jack would wrap himself around my leg… and bite. Hard. No amount of scolding or sprays from the water bottle would dissuade him.

I took to wearing jeans whenever I left the house.

Eventually, Jack resigned himself to the fact that I do, sometimes, leave the house — but I always come back.

You’re lying in bed, eyes closed, and you feel the small hot whiffs of breath on your cheek…

So I was reading i can has cheezburger? for my daily dose of non-Jack lolcats and, what did I find?

The lolcat song — it is without flaw.

I scareded teh kittehs wif mai lowd guffawingz.

Here’s a brief snippet (but REALLY, you must download it — I even turned my speakers on!) — the more you know about lolcats, the funnier it is:

Cat Macros, by Tom Smith

I is a kitty and I has good fun
I is entertaining everyone
Dint used to be an internet icon
Till my mom got a digital Nikon
Now she stalks me round the house
Interrupt when Ize chasin a mouse
Waitin for me to make a silly pose,
Stickin that camera up my nose
Goes to compooter, she starts playin
Makes up something I might be sayin
Upload the pic for all to see,
All her online friends go SQUEEEEE
Cat macros.

Now pardon me, I have to go stick a camera up Jack’s nose. Have a fabulous Caturday!

I’m pretty sure that’s not what I meant when I mentioned “going wireless” – kittens are so literal.

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